A couple of days ago I met with my mentor. Normally we go running, but I have an injury and I was in his area for a photo shoot so I dropped by for a coffee. It was a typically meandering, but quality conversation. Love you Phill! The theme this time was the sense of disillusionment that seems to universally arrive in your 40's. I found turning 40 tough. It just felt anti climactic. I was in the middle of a career change, was running low on time, money, energy, and inspiration. I observed myself having bitter feelings towards God and found myself thinking thoughts like "Hey I thought that if I delighted myself in you, you'd give me the longings of my heart. That's what the bible says isn't it??" I felt I had taken the high road - i'd invested my time in people - caring for others, serving others, pursing a ministry career rather than another more lucrative profession. I felt disgrunteld that because of those things, I had sacrificed a lot financially, and was also just feeling stressed, lost and unsuccessful. Aren't the "desires of my heart" supposed to feel better than this??
While that feeling was real, it was hard for me to ignore the entitledness and ungratefulness in that accusation. It sounded ugly. But I didn't know what to do with it.
As I unpacked some of these things with Phill, he commented that as he went through similar feelings, he realised that while he didn't have everything money can buy, he DID have everything money can't buy - his health, a happy marriage, beautiful children and a meaningful spiritual life. It was hard not to admit I had those things too. And If I were to pick one over the other, it's an obvious choice. So, maybe God has given me the desires of my heart after all. It's just taking me a little while to realise what they actually are, and be grateful for them. Thank goodness God is patient with our fist shaking! Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalm 37:4
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